Additional conditions on new Green St cop shop

The plan involves the destruction of several spaces at Green Street car park and Planning Minister Rob Duhamel has made sure that the Island’s bobbies won’t have it easy by tacking on 30 ‘conditions’ to the scheme along with his approval.

Aware that he probably has no idea who I am or how I feel about his Planning decisions (cracking job on Plémont, by the way, Rob – just brilliant) I have nevertheless jotted down the conditions that I would impose if I was so lucky to wield the rubber stamps that say ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ in regard to monstrous constructions on this despoiled lump of granite.

1: The existing Rouge Bouillon site must not be turned into yet another housing development that manages to squeeze 300 poky flats into a space that should only really be used for a couple of houses. Instead, it should be refurbished and used as a huge canteen/recreation centre for all civil servants. They obviously feel unloved, as imminent strike action suggests, and if the promise of a cracking pension and a ‘job for life’ (seriously – is there anyone who has ever been fired or even made redundant in the States?) is not enough to keep them from throwing their toys out of the pram, maybe a purpose-built site to put up their feet and let off steam will ease their ire.

2: The new building should be renamed Lime Grove and the owners of the real Lime Grove forced to name their building something else – making it look like the police are in the property they wanted in the first place. With this move, and a bit of judicious editing of the States’ minutes, we can erase the debacle from history and pretend that the whole embarrassing affair did not cost the taxpayer millions of pounds.

3: The reception area of the new building should feature glass-fronted cells. These will house prisoners whose offences have greatly harmed the public or criminally convicted officials who were in positions of trust – magistrates, for example – with the effect being to hopefully act as a deterrent and to show Islanders that justice really has been done.

4: No lifts will be installed in the building – no matter how many floors it has. This is mainly to combat the seemingly rising number of coppers who, to put to politely, could do with taking the stairs once in a while rather than having to ask for a bigger uniform each year.

5: With the Voyager space probe soon to become the first man-made object to leave our Solar System – after being launched more than 35 years ago – it would be prudent for Jersey to have a contingency plan should it disturb some life-form out there that might have an interest in colonising our humble planet. I’d start a training programme for our police officers to defend us from possible alien invasion. Failing that, they need to work out a back-up plan where we will offer up Guernsey as a sacrifice in return for our survival.

6: Build a special tunnel, a la Batman, below the real Tunnel. This will allow officers to respond quickly to incidents without having to negotiate the busy road during rush hour or the school run. It would also be pretty cool.

7: As a way of soothing the damage and anger caused by removing 30-odd parking spaces for good from Green Street, re-designate the slots that have traditionally been reserved solely for States Members. Make them available for all drivers – except States Members.

8: Finally, seeing as the headquarters should be seen as a new chapter in the history of the civil servants who are paid to uphold the law, let’s take the opportunity to introduce or amend laws that better reflect modern life in Jersey.

• Make it illegal to ask people to sponsor you to do ‘something for charity’ if it involves any of the following: a trip to an exotic country, a journey across beautiful scenery, a bungee jump or skydive, wearing stupid clothes or doing something fun. These are holidays, japes or extreme sports – not philanthropic gestures.

• No speed limits in green lanes. They’re the best roads for driving at pace because no one uses them any more.

• A mandatory prison sentence for anyone who listens to the music of Justin Bieber, watches television programme The Only Way is Essex or thinks that Malibu is an acceptable beverage.

• The use of an ‘x’ at the end of a text message or email will be made illegal except in the cases of correspondence between family, spouses and loved ones – stopping once and for all incidents where an ambiguous kiss at the end of a message from a colleague, acquaintance or marketing executive leaves the recipient puzzled and dithering for half an hour over whether to reply with their own ‘x’, or, even worse, a smiley face (which will also be outlawed)

• Not picking up your dog’s poo will be punishable by five years in prison, a £5,000 fine and a rehabilitation course which involves having your nose shoved into fresh faeces every morning until you learn. People who do pick up their dog’s mess in a plastic bag but then leave it in a hedge will be executed at dawn.

• Tradesmen who are more than 15 minutes late for any job will be forced to have the word ‘cowboy’ emblazoned across their vans and to wear a Stetson, leather chaps and boots with spurs for three months.

• Planning Ministers who do not take the opportunity to save unique areas of headland for future generations to enjoy will be sent to The Hague.