By Douglas Kruger
PLOT twist. I’ve been asked to speak on the topic of online safety for kids at a series of events in London. It’s not something I ever set out to do, but my new novel features themes of digital deception and child endangerment, and if you research anything long enough to write about it, you’re bound to learn a few things, so they asked if I’d deliver an address.
There are loads of specific tips one can share, and I’ll outline a few below. But more than any one thing, there is an underpinning philosophy that makes all the difference. It originates with my dear friend Nikki Bush, an author and speaker who specialises in human development. Nikki teaches: “The goal is not to raise a child. The goal is to raise an adult.”
The former presumes you will always be there. But when you aim to “raise an adult”, there is a shift in the style and content of what you teach. You begin to make the child aware that you will not always be their safety net, and that your task is to help them grow into a fully independent human, self-moderating, self-directed, capable of seeing to their own safety. You start to plant seeds in their minds in such a way that the capacity for defence begins to come from within, and not rely solely on you.
Quick example. There is a scene in my book in which a family is deceived by a child-smuggling syndicate. During a Zoom meeting, they believe they are talking to a kindly elderly woman with a Southern accent, discussing the exchange programme their daughter will take part in. In reality, they are talking to a con-man using an AI filter.
I told my son about this scene, and asked him to compare it to kids he meets when playing an online game. Is it possible that some of them are not kids? That made him stop and think. And it wasn’t me lecturing – it was him questioning.
A small shift, but the beginning of equipping him to be a little sceptical, and not take the word of perfect strangers for granted. And we discuss this sort of thing often, on the fly. Never as a lecture, but naturally, in the flow of Dad-and-son conversation.
It’s half the value of our drives to school each morning. He’s chatty at that time, and runs hundreds of topics by me. I keep it light enough that he doesn’t withhold anything, but I also let him know about real cases of dangers that other kids have faced.
Another example. He wants to make movies one day. So I’ve been encouraging him to film small scenes with a tablet. And as part of that, casually, I mentioned that he should never photograph or film himself without clothes on.
“Why would anyone do that?”
“Because kids do silly things. And they do it because they think no one will ever see it. But it often gets out, even though they didn’t think it would. Some kids become so embarrassed and so scared that they feel trapped, like they can’t even ask for help.”
He was able to handle that, and he asked some questions. So I said: “Step one, don’t ever do it. But, step two, if anything crazy like that ever happens to you, come to me. I don’t care how embarrassing it is. I’m your father and I love you, and I’m on your side, no matter what. We’ll find a way to deal with it.”
Much of my presentation for London focuses on that shift: “Make it your goal to raise an adult.” That mantra informs a thousand small shifts that you make in your parenting style.
Beyond that, here are some simple ones. They’re common sense ideas, but they’re important:
- Keep them off screens as long as possible. Movies are fine. Instead, it’s the feedback loop between touching a screen and the device reacting to the child that generates addiction, and the absence of physical play and socialising does immense harm to the developing brain.
- Once they do have access to devices, set screen-time limits and tech-free times, and be firm about them. Reasonable, but consistent. As far as possible, try to encourage other hobbies, and model behaviour yourself.
- Be curious, and not just inquisitorial. If you show genuine interest in the things your kids like, they will talk openly about them. And reciprocate. Tell them about things that light you up. That makes the conversation real. If they realise that you utilise their speech solely to “catch them out”, they will shut down. Trust trumps all, and this is a long-term battle. Keeping the channels open matters.
- Use the parental control features available to you. Useful controls are available on devices, apps and browsers. You can set age restrictions, filter content, and limit screen time. But don’t assume they are the full solution. Ultimately, kids can bypass just about anything.
- Establish from the outset that you can and will check in on what they’re doing online. If you do it from the beginning, it’s easy. It’s way harder to start later on.
- Make it a normal part of your family’s routines to audit privacy settings. Encourage your kids to take ownership of this. Show them how to review and adjust privacy settings on social media or online accounts. And don’t shy away from telling them true stories about how bad actors in the real world have used online clues (like school uniforms, or location sharing) to track kids. This takes the conversation out of the realms of a “silly parent needlessly lecturing me” and into the realms of reality. Instead of feeling condescended to, they feel entrusted with an adult idea.
- Don’t shy away from the ugliness of it. Help them not to get caught out, but also make sure that they know that they can come to you in a worst-case scenario. There is nothing quite like the words, “I am on your side, no matter what.” When bad things happen to kids online, they often feel that it is “too ugly” or “too serious” to bring to their parents, then end up feeling trapped and alone. You can ward this off in advance by showing them that you are aware of such things, understand that they happen, and that you are on their side regardless.
- Don’t ever assume that your own child wouldn’t post something inappropriate. At any level. Have the conversations. Gently, but have them. And if your child starts seeking inappropriate attention, see if you can redirect it in healthy ways. Can they get “likes” for their new song, their new painting, their new creative endeavour instead. It’s a scary new world, but it’s not beyond navigation. And you shouldn’t do all the navigating yourself. Much of it is about equipping the child to do it. Start with the determination to raise an adult. Then let the conversations begin.
Douglas Kruger is an author and speaker who lives in St Helier. His books are all available via Amazon and Audible.
