AS we age, our most important resource – even more precious than good health – is friendship. Since old friends are the best friends, one has to establish that priority early in life and hold on to it. To make and to keep friends is a crucial life skill. I don’t think I have been very good at it.
Apart from my Helen, I haven’t had a “best friend” for a good while, and perhaps that is why all those inseparable pairs in fiction – such as Frodo and Sam, or Diana and Anne (of Green Gables) – seem to me impossibly idealised.
Similarly, the less familiar but very apposite Greek myth of Damon and Pythias, who were literally willing to die for each other. Oh, really?
At my age, I can say quite confidently that if I haven’t already got a bestie (excuse the Americanism) then I’m not going to find one now. But never mind.
The great philosopher David Hume tells us that “friendship is the chief joy of human life”. I think he is right about that (as he is about almost everything else), and he was a living example of it.
In 1769, aged 58, he returned to his birthplace, his beloved Edinburgh, chiefly in order to enjoy again the company of a circle of good friends. These included the economist Adam Smith, who remarked upon Hume’s “cheerfulness and good humour”.
Sadly, if one is long-lived, it is inevitable that one loses some old friends along the way. Dr Johnson memorably reflects on this in his poem, On the Death of Dr Robert Levet.
“As on we toil from day to day, By sudden blasts, or slow decline, Our social comforts drop away.” To be horridly practical, this departure of one’s friends is going to feel much worse if they all go at once, being of the same generation.
This brings me to the vital matter of inter-generational friendship. A very regrettable aspect of the ageism one sees all through our society is the way that people tend to hang out exclusively with their own contemporaries. This topic was suggested to me by a good friend who dropped by to see me the other day – and who happens to be a generation younger than me.
”Cultivate also such intergenerational friendships as may come your way”
What is wrong with socialising within your own age-group? It’s easier, isn’t it? Yes, maybe it’s too easy. I’m not suggesting you should stop seeing your peers; we need all the friends we have. But don’t limit yourself to that. If you mix only with those who already share your ideas and values, you miss out on opportunities for personal growth. Cultivate also such inter-generational friendships as may come your way. Spend time with your uncle or granny, or even with your ex-teacher.
Sadly, inter-generational friendships outside of the family are often met with suspicion, merited or unmerited. When observing from afar, people tend to wonder if there is some kind of exploitation going on. The answer, according to my lifelong experience, is probably not – and don’t be so cynical!
Within families, relations often work best between children and grandparents, skipping a generation. So, forget the Gilmore Girls!
Grandparents can often lend an empathetic ear without judgment. They may also have more time available for play than a parent who is busy with work, (or so I believe), but lacking grandchildren of my own, I can’t know this first-hand.
What I do know something about are the inter-generational friendships that can arise in the context of education. I have benefited enormously from these – first as the pupil and lifelong friend of a great teacher, and then, vainly attempting to emulate that, as a teacher myself. I have often told a departing pupil to stay in touch, and I’m pleased to say that a few of them did.
But returning to my main theme: for us oldies, it gets ever harder to make new friends of any age. The opportunity to do so never seems to arise. The obvious answer here is to join a club of some kind, be it U3A, a bridge circle, a reading group, or whatever.
Yet for many older people, sadly, there sets in a kind of inertia or lack of social confidence, which makes joining in more difficult. You just have to overcome that, I’m afraid – or those who have done so should help others do likewise.
Some interesting research by Katherine Fiori (a specialist in ageing and mental health) suggests that those who do have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances often deliberately shrink that network as they get older, prioritising quality over quantity.
Lucky them to have that choice! I think we would be better advised to keep alive all the friendships that we can. To be honest, though, sometimes we just can’t bridge the differences that have arisen.
•Michael Talibard, who is now in his 80s, is a retired teacher and former head of English at Victoria College. He founded the Jersey branch of U3A and was its chairman for 20 years.
