By Karen Dingle
This week is Carer’s Week, and I was asked to write about my experience of being a carer. The question is: “Am I a carer?” I have supported my daughter with an eating disorder and my son with mental-health difficulties for many years. My husband has post-traumatic stress disorder, and my 91-year-old mum has social anxiety disorder and depression. I also try to support those who come to Jersey Eating Disorders Support for help with their or a loved one’s eating disorder.
A carer can be someone who devotes their life to looking after another person or people, which is admirable, but this is not the way I see myself. The reason is that I want to maintain the relationships that I have with my loved ones rather than becoming their nurse. We are all different, and for some people full-time caring for their loved one is what they want to do, and that’s absolutely fine.
My son and daughter live independently and are supported by the Adult Mental Health Service. My husband copes by keeping himself busy, and my mum is being cared for by the wonderful staff at Maison St Brelade Care Home. After assessment, my clients are often referred to one of JEDS’ counsellors, who support them. Or they come to group support sessions. My point is, I ask for help; I do not do it alone. This is to protect my own mental health so that I can enjoy my life.
I could not take on the caring role for all the people that I love, as it just wouldn’t work. However, I am there for all of them if they need me. For my own sanity, I have had to find others to help me to care for my loved ones. I would find it overwhelming if it was all down to me, and I wouldn’t be able to run Jersey Eating Disorders Support, a charity that I am passionate about.
My work helps me to feel that I am doing something meaningful with my life. I get to meet lots of people on courses, when I assess clients, in meetings and in group support sessions. It is so helpful to be around others who are going through something similar. I have been going to the JEDS’ group support sessions for 15 years, and it has been an enormous support for me, an opportunity to offload.
It was after I’d been supported by others at the JEDS’ group support meetings that I decided to enrol on a ten-week introduction to counselling skills course at Highlands College at the age of 50. I went on to do Level two, three, four, and finally Level five and qualified as a counsellor. I learnt a lot about myself during these years and made some amazing friends. Then the pandemic hit, and I used the time to sort out all the forms and policies etc that needed to be in place to start a professional one-to-one counselling and peer-support service at JEDS. Group support isn’t for everyone, so I wanted to give those who ask for help a variety of support options.
Since then, JEDS has taken on many Level 4 trainee counsellors in their final year of qualifying at Highlands College or The Tara Centre. They do an amazing job and really care for those who come to JEDS.
The government recently interviewed those who care for others, and from the results, we discovered that some carers would like to be in a group support session with just other carers of those with eating disorders, so we plan to start one on the fourth Monday of every month to see how it goes. Anyone interested in attending can contact me by emailing hello@jeds.je. Being around others who really do understand what a carer goes through can be incredibly helpful and can prevent you from feeling lonely in your caring role. I cannot stress enough how important this is to many of us who care.
If you are a carer or supporter of someone who uses mental-health services, you are very welcome to join us at the Equals by Experience meetings that take place at The Diner, James Street, on the third Tuesday of every month from 6pm. This is an opportunity to find out about the mental-health support that is available. These sessions are facilitated by Andy Weir, director of mental health, social care and community services, who is always looking to improve services, so it’s an opportunity to express how you are feeling about your experience with the service and to be a part of improving support for service-users and carers in Jersey. I have learnt a lot from these sessions.
Having a good attitude is also important. You can feel sorry for yourself because you are caring for someone, and these negative feelings can bring you down. Having a positive attitude helps you to embrace the challenge and value the time that you spend with your loved one. It can be a chance for your relationship to grow and for your understanding of one another to increase.
We are all different, and it’s important to consider carefully if you want to take on a caring role. If you are doing it out of a sense of duty, that is admirable, but we are only on this earth for a short time. Might it be worth exploring your options with a trusted friend or a counsellor so that you can reach the decision that is right for you? People do not want to be cared for by someone who is resentful. If this resonates with you, please look for support, as this is your life too.
Karen Dingle is the chief executive of Jersey Eating Disorders Support, a registered charity that provides help to those affected by eating disorders, as well as aiding their family and friends.
