A UK-BASED campaigner has revealed the devastating reality of coercive control that kept her trapped in an abusive relationship for years, as she fronts a new campaign launched by the Government of Jersey to raise awareness of this hidden form of abuse while encouraging victims to come forward.
In the early 2000s, Sam Billingham lived under strict surveillance. Her partner timed how long she spent in the bathroom, accused her of secretly contacting her mother, and controlled every aspect of her life.
this form of domestic abuse.
She was cut off from friends and family – and even lost her job after opening up to her employer.
At the time, she did not recognise her partner’s behaviour as abuse. Now, nearly two decades later, she understands it was coercive control – a form of domestic abuse that she says is “worse than physical violence.”
“If you talk to any survivor of domestic abuse, they will often say, and I’ve said this myself, I would rather have had a beating every day for those three years than the coercive control, because it changes you completely,” Ms Billingham explained.
By raising our voices together, not only are we shining a light on the issue but together we can support those in need and inspire change
Sam Billingham
Coercive control is now recognised as a crime under Jersey’s domestic abuse law.
It is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate and isolate victims while stripping them of their independence and self-worth.
Ms Billingham is sharing her experience as part of an awareness campaign launched yesterday by the government.
“By raising our voices together, not only are we shining a light on the issue but together we can support those in need and inspire change,” she said.
For Ms Billingham, the abuse began with what appeared to be a whirlwind romance. After meeting her abuser at a local pub, they moved in together within two weeks – something she now recognises as a “red flag”.
“Coercive control starts very, very subtly,” Ms Billingham explained. “It was
something as simple as, ‘Don’t go and see your Mum tonight. If you love me, you won’t go.’”
Over time, the control escalated. Whenever she went out, he accused her of cheating, checked her underwear to see if she’d had sex, and bombarded her with phone calls and texts.
“It was just easier – and when I say easier, I mean safer – for me not to see my mum or my friends.”
Her job was also taken from her. Her partner stopped her from going to work and falsely accused her of sleeping with her boss.
After he locked her in their flat and threw her phone out of the window, Ms Billingham tried to explain the situation to her employer.
“It was really difficult because there was no physical violence at this point. It was all control, and I didn’t have a clue what coercive control was.”
Instead of getting any support, she was dismissed by her boss on the spot
“I got sacked for making a domestic abuse disclosure,” she said. “That’s when I lost Sam. I had no sense of belonging anymore, no direction. The control just increased.
“I was timed when I went to the toilet. He would stand outside the toilet door looking at his watch going, ‘You’ve been texting your Mum’. He would physically get inside the bath with me. I couldn’t have a bath alone.”
The abuse became physical. The first time he hit her, he cried and promised it would never happen again. She believed him. But the violence escalated – slaps turned into punches, her ribs were broken, and she was strangled with a kettle cord.
Despite knowing the abuse was wrong, she felt trapped. “Perpetrators isolate us and abuse us, but they are also the only. stable person we have because they’ve cut us off from everyone else.”
She tried to leave multiple times, but he always found her and manipulated her into coming back.
Then, she became pregnant. “I thought having a child together might change him,” she said. “It didn’t.”
I’ve only just, within the last two years, started looking in the mirror again.
Sam Billingham
In 2006, after he split her lip while she was holding their ten-month-old daughter, she knew she had to escape for good.
The next morning, she put her daughter in a pram and walked to the police station.
This time, she didn’t go back. “That was my wake-up call. I knew his behaviour wouldn’t change, “ she said.
Nearly 20 years later, the effects of coercive control still shape her daily life. “I risk-assess everyone I meet. I try to work them out before I even have a conversation with them, because that’s my safety net,” she said.
“I’ve only just, within the last two years, started looking in the mirror again. Only just started having my hair done.”
She describes coercive control as a form of programming that takes years to undo.
“Many people think domestic abuse is just the physical violence side. It isn’t. That’s why these conversations are so important.”
For more information on coercive control, visit gov.je/VAWG.
LISTEN…
In this episode of Bailiwick Podcasts, Jodie Yettram spoke with Sam about how she became trapped in an abusive relationship, the psychological toll of coercive control, and the challenges she faced when trying to leave.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate, and manipulate victims. It can include:
- Cutting someone off from friends and family
- Monitoring their movements and time
- Controlling finances and restricting access to money
- Humiliating or degrading them
- Threatening harm or making them feel unsafe
- Limiting access to work, education, or medical services
- “It’s not your fault,” Ms Billingham said. “No matter what the perpetrator says to you, it is not your fault. It happens because they choose to treat you that way.”
How to spot the signs and what to do
Ms Billingham’s “ABC checklist” refers to things that employers can look for to identify potential signs of coercive control in an employee.
- A – Appearance: Changes in appearance, such as not being wellgroomed or looking dishevelled.
- B – Body language: Changes in body language, such as avoiding eye contact or seeming withdrawn.
- C – Conversation: Changes in communication style, such as being hesitant or evasive in conversations.
The key is for employers to be aware of any noticeable changes in these areas, as they could be indicators that the employee is experiencing coercive control in their personal
life.
If someone discloses abuse, Ms Billingham stresses that the most important response is to listen. “They don’t need fixing. They just need you to listen and believe them.”
SUPPORT…
Jersey Domestic and Sexual Abuse Support (JDAS) offer specialist support and guidance in relation to domestic or sexual abuse incidents. Support is provided before, during and after any police investigation or court hearing. It is also available when police are not involved. Call: 01534 880505 or email JDAS@gov.je.
The SARC at Dewberry House provide expert independent and confidential support to victims of sexual abuse. The Centre comprises of a team of experts with a wealth of knowledge and experience in advising, supporting and treating anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Call: 01534 888222.
Jersey Action Against Rape (JAAR) provide and maintain a supporting framework for survivors and their families. Tel: 01534 482801.
FREEDA (Freedom from Domestic Abuse) offer a 24-hour helpline, access to safe accommodation as well as help and support for victims of domestic abuse. Tel: 0800 7356836.
Victims First Jersey is a free and independent service offering confidential support to victims and witnesses of crime. Tel: 0800 7351612.
