By Douglas Kruger
GENTLEMEN! It’s International Men’s Day tomorrow. And as you are an “international men”, gather round.
(Ladies, don’t dare read on. Hereafter, I shall be revealing our darkest secrets, right down to codes, handshakes, and the date for the uprising).
A quick question for you, gents. What’s the happiest you’ve ever been? And is there any chance that it happened during a period of abject misery?
I’ll explain.
My sister, who is not an “international men”, nevertheless has an interesting theory. She argues that fun comes in two types, and that “Type Two” fun, though less commonly spoken about, is actually the more rewarding. She may be on to something.
So, terms and definitions…
Type One fun comprises all things most readily associated with the term. Partying, friends, movies, drinks, laughter. That strange game with the ball and cup. Anything easy.
Type Two fun is less obvious. Something more like cold water swimming. It’s horrifying to think about, difficult to initiate, not especially pleasant at the time, and may cause key features to shrink.
But after it’s done, you feel an overwhelming sense of euphoria. True, that may be because you’re glad to be alive. But euphoria nonetheless. And as Socrates observed: That which shrinks grows back in season.
Type Two fun is about difficulty and endurance. It’s anything that’s tough going, but ultimately memorable. You hated it at the time. But you remember it with a smile.
My sister started dabbling with this theory during one particularly horrendous park run with a bunch of friends. They ended up frozen, drenched, exhausted, all but starving, and liberally doused in sweat and grime. Everything ached. Yet they also ended up laughing their heads off, and recalling that day as one of their best.
Why?
One reason is that the alternative is terminal safety. Predictability stretching out to the horizon. Nothing risked, so that the highs and lows remain considerably…flatter.
Type Two fun reminds you that you are alive.
And so, the question again: What’s the happiest you’ve ever been? Any chance it caught you by surprise, such as on a disgustingly early morning run that you initially resisted, then grudgingly enjoyed?
Key to this deeper form of satisfaction is something counterintuitive. An element of sacrifice. This brings us to a moment of psycho-babble:
Sacrifice turns out to be emotionally gratifying. This is because it often fulfils psychological needs that frivolous fun cannot – like finally having our deepest itches scratched.
It functions that way across a range of scenarios too. An experience like cold water swimming includes self-sacrifice: the forfeit of comfort. Do it in a group, and you also introduce a sense of purpose, connection and shared trial.
But take it further, and the rewards only ramp up more. It’s no secret that those who give to causes, or become involved in something idealistically sacrificial, report considerably higher levels of joy in life. Call it dopamine, or call it a spiritual principle; fact is, it works.
So, this International Men’s Day, here is a challenge to consider. Could you push yourself to do something that is specifically uncomfortable but ultimately rewarding?
Your key concepts are: sacrificial, difficult, and not enforced by any external party. Hard, but initiated of your own prerogative.
If you can’t think of anything, start with the simplest options. An early morning jog. An actual, honest-to-goodness cold water swim, best undertaken at Havre Des Pas. You might be astonished at what it does for your head space.
But what if you took it further?
Here are three challenges you might consider, in the interests of feeling alive:
One: Start building something
The deep sense of reward kids enjoy when assembling blocks made Lego one of the bestselling brands of all time. It’s good to build. So what might that look like for you? The assembling of a classic motorbike? Writing a book? Starting a company?
Two: Make a sacrifice that no one asks of you
Charities abound in Jersey. What if you did something for one of them without telling anyone? Your little secret. A sacrifice, and a source of personal joy. There are reasons people report charity work as among the most fulfilling things they ever do. Doesn’t have to entail months of slog. An hour or two of input, for that one cause, and for your own soul.
Three: Speak a word that builds another person
Men so seldom hear compliments. When we get one, we can ride that high for a week. Tell someone at the gym he’s looking strong. Tell a younger guy he’s doing well at work. Encourage someone.
Men crave that sort of thing, but do not, and often cannot, ask for it.
What’s the most meaningful compliment you’ve ever received? How could you make someone else feel that way too? It’s such a small form of sacrifice, yet one that can change
lives.
As a general rule, there’s nothing wrong with Type One fun. But you may have noticed that it all too often leaves you feeling worse, not better. Emptier, not more fulfilled. It’s missing the element of sacrifice. And ironically, to feel more joy, you sometimes need to endure more misery. And to become more fulfilled, you sometimes need to give of your best.
Engaging in Type Two activities also makes you stronger. You didn’t think you could do it, until you did. Then you discover you can do more. Slowly but surely, you transform. Become Herculean. Rise above the ease and narcissism, until the day you discover you can call yourself… well… a man. And you got there not by grasping, flexing or taking. But through simple sacrifice.
Douglas Kruger is a speaker and author based in St Helier. His books are all available via Amazon and Audible.
