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WATCH: 'Wear a mask you filthy sod and don't eat food from off the floor!', fictional hero's Covid-19 advice to Islanders

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'WEAR a mask you filthy sod and don't eat food from off the floor', is the latest advice being given to Islanders as the fight against the Covid-19 pandemic continues...

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But the message is not coming from government but fictional Jersey hero Hedley Le Maistre who has released his latest song to share some important advice – in his own unique style.

The flat-cap-wearing character who hails from 'old St Ouen' became famous on the Island for hits including Take That Grouville and Broad Bean Down - in which the westerner gets stranded in St Helier and chased by honorary police officers.

His latest tune, Isolation Rag, urges Islanders to 'isolate, vegetate and just do bugger all'.

Lockdown is due to stay in place on the Island until at least the end of April and will likely be extended beyond that. England is expected to announce it is extending its lockdown period for three weeks today.

The lyrics to the Isolation Rag, which, as a warning, are a little colourful, are published below.

Get learning and singing, shags (maybe not in front of the kids).

Isolation Rag: Hedley Le Maistre

Apparently at first you lose your sense of taste and smell,

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Though coming from these parts it's probably just as well.

But for some this sort is deadly, so you've got to do your bit,

So I wrote this little checklist out, to stop you spreadin' it.

Keep your snot up your nose and your spit in your gob,

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Don't be volleying a grolly, don't be spraying me with flog.

Isolate, vegetate and just do bugger all.

And we'll flag this ruddy virus down and kick it in the...

Now listen, no Covid is going to get me, isolating in my shed,

I'm not scared of getting sick, I'm hiding from the wife instead.

She messaged me the other day saying: "Should I wear a mask?"

I texted back: "Too bloody right, I thought you'd never ask".

Keep your snot up your nose and your spit in your gob,

Don't be volleying a grolly, don't be spraying me with flog.

Isolate, vegetate and keep that diary clear.

And we'll get to the usual ruddy crap again next year.

Now Reginald Le Sueur was quite the lady's man poor chap,

Used to spend his Thursday evening's given nursing staff the clap,

But since he started isolating there's not a single nurse been kissed,

Now his right arm is up the rocks and he can't get a watch to fit his wrist.

Keep your snot up your nose and your spit in your gob,

Don't be volleying a grolly, don't be spraying me with flog.

Isolate, vegetate, have another slice of cake.

Look on the bright side, shag at least we're giving the honoraries a break!

Share an armpit fart on Facebook, test emojis to your gran,

Post a photo of your toilet seat on ruddy Instagram.

Play a prank, have a (bath) or stay there in your bed,

And keep that curve-a-flattening until we squish the bugger dead.

Now Jim Le Marquand has got the social distancing bang on,

Cos he hasn't washed his pits or bits since 1991.

No-one dare breach two-metres, in fact the only ones to try,

Are Guernsey folk missing home and kamikaze flies.

Now down my local Morrisons old Jill works all alone,

I'm saving up my empty cans and making her a throne.

And what does the bins should a ruddy OBE,

They're all deserving medal for what do for you and me.

Ruddy heroes the lot of them.

Lest we forget.

So, keep your snot up your nose and your spit in your gob,

Don't be volleying a grolly, don't be spraying me with flog.

Isolate, vegetate and just do bugger all.

And we'll flag this ruddy virus down and kick it in the...

Now listen, wear a mask you filthy sod and don't eat food from off the floor,

Wash your hands like you would if the toilet paper tore.

Stay at home, check your phone and just sit there on your bum.

And you'll see you down the pub when this isolation's done.

See you down the Farmers'... sometime.

Watch the video here

Jack Maguire

By Jack Maguire
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