WELL, that’s it – almost. Fly has waxed and waned, zigged and zagged, flipped and flopped and has come, finally, to a conclusion: elections are good.
What else would prompt 81 of the strangest people in Jersey to put up posters of their faces and strings of random nouns and adjectives all over the Island? What else would entice complete unknowns to the doors of voters to force fistfuls of leaflets through groaning letterboxes?
And what else could – however temporarily – bring the Island’s lofty politicians back down to earth? Now is not the time to answer these questions. Now is time to salute the heroes of the 2008 elections. Welcome to Fly’s Senators and Deputies Election Awards.
Election Scrooge Award
Alan Breckon: For sterling dedication to upholding the ‘tight-fisted northerner’ stereotype. Senatorial candidates were allowed to spend just over £8,000 on their campaigns. The boy Breckon spent £980. And finished second. That’s spending less than the guy who finished 18th. Real value from the Consumer Council chairman.
Best-dressed Candidate Award
Phil Maguire: For the tiger-print waistcoat and full beard (my, how the Fly loves a full beard) at the St Clement Deputies’ hustings. A striking combination. Rumours that Mr Maguire beat a tiger to death with his bare hands proved to be unfounded.
Read the Rules Award
Cliff Le Clercq: For his casual approach to the time limit on speeches. Some speakers said their piece. Some said the whole thing. And then there was Cliff. A man who laughed in the face of time limits and stuck out his tongue in the face of the rules. A rebel.
Weirdest Hustings Moment
Daniel Wimberley: For displaying his granddaughter’s socks in the St Mary Senatorial hustings. What this was all about is lost in the mists of time. Seriously. Fly doesn’t remember. He may never have known in the first place. But he does dimly recall seeing ‘Wimbers’ holding up some very small socks to illustrate a point. The point, sadly, is no longer with us.
Keeping it in the Family Award
With husband-and-wife team Shona and Trevor Pitman now set to share the States Chamber, at least they can be guaranteed one vote for what ever propositions they bring to the House.
Best Website Award
Alan MacLean: For leaving the 2005 online. No excuse for this. Just none. You spend £500 on a website, you have a marketing professional signing your nomination paper, and only after it’s gently pointed out in the pages of the JEP that you realise that your 2005 site has been left up.
Most Committed Political Supporter Award
A burgundy jumper: For outstanding commitment to Jolly Green Giant Daniel Wimberley. Narrowly beat Nellie ‘leave my boy alone’ Maçon into first place.
Best Image Change Award
Nick Palmer: Following his dismal showing in the Senatorial election, Mr Palmer bought himself a razor and removed the facial hair. Somewhat amazingly, he still managed to retain the ‘pirate from Tintin’ look.
Best Hair Award
Adrian Walsh: A fine example of Presidential hair, last sported by Senator John Kerry in the 2004 US election. Statesmanlike.
Worst Idea Award (1)
Unknown (forging postal votes): Nice one, whoever you are. You’re really going to get away with this, aren’t you? After all, it’s only the Judicial Greffe that administers the postal votes. What would they know about the law? Seriously, great idea. Well done.
Worst Idea Award (2)
The JEP: For the Deputies’ survey. Election candidates following simple written instructions? How Fly laughed. And how Fly laughed while watching JEP hacks try to convert the responses into a) the format specifically requested; b) English.
It’s a Conspiracy Award
Nick Le Cornu: For spending nearly two hours standing over the shoulders of the vote counters at the St James’s Centre last night.
Best Poster Award
Police Chief Brody and Quint from Jaws: These two joined the Senatorial elections a little too late, but their posters, which appeared on lamp-posts in town, brought much-needed humour to the campaign. Deputy Alan Breckon even enjoyed hundreds of votes on the back of the posters as he was mistaken for shark-hunting Quint.
Best Hustings Award
The Parish of St Martin: No contest, no argument, no doubt. St Martin rules. Maybe it’s because it’s a Public Hall, not a Parish Hall. And maybe it’s because of the proximity of the pub. Who knows? All Fly knows is this: St Martin, you rule.
It’s The Taking Part That Counts Award
David Richardson: For persuading just 28 St Mary parishioners to vote for him. That’s fewer than a bus load. A Guy de Faye bus load. It wasn’t a good night.
Star of the 2008 Elections Award
Fly: For services to humans and insects. (What did you expect, humility?) Through it all, Fly has been there. Every hustings, every polling station, every website. A breath of fresh air. Youth, vision, experience, honesty, integrity, values, and common sense for you the public. Vote Fly in 2011.
