By Joanne Reid Rodrigues
LONELINESS is massively unaddressed in society. Across the world, many people of all ages feel a sense of isolation and disconnect. While the lockdowns are over, the consequences of this unprecedented experience in our recent history are far from over. The effects on individuals, families and businesses caused a sharp increase in alcohol consumption, emotionally-driven overeating, financial problems, depression and anxiety, and suicide.
I was profoundly concerned to hear on the news recently that some folks in Jersey were having to give their pet to the Animals Shelter because they could not afford their care with rising costs. Those on a pension are particularly affected. We can’t underestimate the effects of having to part with a beloved pet. The heartbreak and probable depression that the human would suffer would undoubtedly cause health issues. And the pet would be traumatised too. For so many, their pet is their lifeline.
If we consider ourselves a successful society, surely we must be able to collectively find a solution to this ridiculous situation.
Loneliness can bring utter despair. Chronic loneliness even contributes to cardiovascular disease and dementia. The trend to build small apartments where animals aren’t welcome, and where green spaces and playgrounds aren’t factored in, are an impending disaster for the individual and community soul. We need our community areas – parks, activities and programmes that bring people together.
And we need our Opera House. How can we look Sir Ian McKellen in the eye…
The Samaritans and other helplines always get calls from people who say nothing at all. Some callers just silently cling for the sound of another human being’s voice. Such desperation for that momentary connection with another living soul, like a drowning person gasping for air. The need for human reassurance is as vital as oxygen.
In the last few decades, technology has advanced astoundingly. When I was a child growing up in Glasgow, I remember someone telling me that one day, we’d be able to see the person we’re speaking to on the phone. I couldn’t believe it. No one could. And now we’re doing video calls daily. Yet, how ironic that as our choice of devices to aid communication increases, loneliness and disconnect are increasing too.
Our health system is stretched to capacity by non-communicable diseases, mainly caused by lifestyle factors. Loneliness is a driver of many self-defeating behaviours. As a distraction from misery, some people overeat, others drink alcohol and some take mind-numbing drugs. And some people just bury their heads in work. Yes. Workaholism is rife.
A common characteristic of work addiction is the habit of starting a new project before completing the one we’re working on. Or having multiple projects on the go at one time. Anything to ensure there’s no mental space unoccupied, for that’s where we’re faced with acknowledging and, worse, feeling emotional turmoil.
The compulsive need to work can be a self-defeating behaviour though, of course, material rewards of obsessive working can make it appear we’re highly successful. But people can build an empire and still have unhealed pain or discordant relationships. I think each one of us defines success in our own unique way. And our definition of success changes at various stages of our lives.
I’m immensely blessed to love my work. Even so, living a balanced life means having interests that aren’t work-oriented. For me, success is being free from misery and a fault-finding, stress-producing mind. It’s about having harmony in my relationships. And it’s about spending my time on Earth as I want to spend it – living and working to my own beat. Life will always present us with challenges, but I believe success is about having the balance tipped well in favour of peace, joy and natural optimism.
Loneliness is a state of mind. Happiness is too. Some of us crave solitude and never feel lonely while alone. Others can be in a crowd, yet feel intense loneliness. Whether we use words such as lonely, or sad, or bored – words are just words. It’s the feelings that matter. Either we feel good, or we don’t. And intense negative emotions never feel good.
Emotions are effects: state of mind is the cause. Emotions, mood, behavioural choices and consequences both in the positive and negative are all effects of mindset.
When we shift our focus of attention, our mindset shifts, and then our emotional state changes too. If we’re feeling isolated and lonely, but then do something we enjoy – could be gardening or chatting to someone on the phone or watching a gripping movie – in those moments we forget our loneliness. Where the mind goes, our feelings go too.
I find great wisdom in the Zen story: the student told the master he felt disheartened. ‘Master, I feel so discouraged. What should I do?’
‘Encourage others,’ replied the master.
Note the answer didn’t begin with something like ‘first heal yourself and then encourage others’. It was simply ‘encourage others’.
I’ve learned through the experience of my work the true meaning of ‘giving is receiving’. My work has brought me into contact with many thousands of people. There were times when I was going through great difficulties in my own life, such as the loss of my mother and then my father. It wasn’t always easy to stand before a room filled with people who were there to be motivated. Sometimes, I even doubted I’d be able to do it. But I always gave it my best shot. And being with other people and helping and encouraging them always – and I mean always – lifted my own spirits.
A spiritual proverb teaches us: Perfume clings to the hand that gives the rose. Yes, it does. Giving really is receiving. So, instead of waiting for the phone to ring or invitations to come your way, be that source of encouragement for someone else. You can’t help another without helping yourself.
As we shift our attention away from our own sadness and interact with others, our loneliness yields to a brighter emotional tonality.
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Joanne Reid Rodrigues is the founder of Slimming Together and the creator of The Authentic Confidence Course. She is an author and therapist in nutrition, CBT, and stress management. Joanne can be contacted at JoanneRR.com
