A BEREAVED mother has spoken about the “incredible” support her family received after losing her baby daughter in order to raise awareness of the help available and remind others they are not alone.
Lauren Callaghan shared her story as the Island marks Baby Loss Awareness Week with remembrance events, training for health professionals, and a milestone for Philip’s Footprints.
The charity – founded in 2008 by Jo and Paul Nash after the stillbirth of their son, Philip – has now donated more than 500 bespoke memory boxes to families in Jersey.
Each one contains thoughtful keepsakes such as candles, teddies, and hand and footprint casts – items that Ms Callaghan said allowed her to make memories with her daughter, Aoife, who was “born sleeping just over 21 weeks”.
“I have the most beautiful memory box that they provided – candles, first Christmas decorations, things that you wouldn’t even think of,” she said. “That box is in our living room… It’s allowed her to be very much part of the family and helped us navigate grief with our older child as well.”
Ms Callaghan, who said she would “forever be thankful” to the charity, is speaking out to raise awareness of the support available to families going through similar experiences.
She said that at first she “wasn’t aware of what support was available” and reached out only after realising she was struggling to cope.
“I’d seen Philip’s Footprints but didn’t know what they did until I needed them,” she said. “That’s why awareness weeks are so important. Maybe it would have helped if I tapped into that [support] a bit earlier.”
After reaching out to the maternity team, Ms Callaghan was connected with Philip’s Footprints and a hospital-based counsellor – support she described as “incredible” and “integral” to her grief process.
The service is delivered by Karina Ward, a bereavement counsellor based at the Enid Quenault Health and Wellbeing Centre.
Since its launch two years ago, the service has supported around 90 women, from early miscarriage through to stillbirth.
“Having this space and having that time with Karina is what ultimately helped me through my grief process,” Ms Callaghan said.
“Karina gave me the coping tools to understand grief – not just shy away from it. To know that [healing] is not going to be linear, and it’s not going to be easy, and that there will be different triggers.
“But it was Karina allowing me the space to understand what that’s going to look like and to give me the right tools that have been integral in helping me get through the last 18 months.”
Philip’s Footprints funded the redecoration of the therapy room to make it calm and non-clinical – something Ms Ward said was crucial for helping parents process their grief.
“When people come in here, it’s not for a medical appointment,” she said. “I needed to provide them with a space where they could forget they were in a hospital to allow the therapy to work. I’ll be forever grateful to Philip’s Footprints for the funding that allowed me to make that space.”
When asked how Islanders can support friends, colleagues or relatives who have experienced baby loss, both women urged people to think carefully about their approach.
Ms Ward said: “There’s a real risk of trying to fill the silence with something that can be quite damaging. Sometimes, silence is better. And to be guided by the person who’s had the loss.
“It might be about practical help, maybe helping around the house or something small,” the counsellor added.
“Grief is very individual. And it’s about trying to understand the person in front of you.”
Ms Callaghan said: “I found it really hard to face people for the first time. The last time they saw me, they might have seen that I was pregnant, and now suddenly I’m not. That was quite a big trigger for me.
“But, over time, I’m finding that I want to talk about her. I want her to be part of my life, and for it to be normal.
“So just allow people to talk if they want to and don’t ask probing questions.
“I remember walking through town and seeing people that I hadn’t seen for a while, and they would say: ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ And, God love them, because what do you say? But that can be quite intense and leave a mark.
“The best thing anyone can say is, ‘I’m here for you’. That’s all that needs to be said.”
Ms Ward said that guilt is another powerful emotion that often surfaces after loss
She said: “I don’t think I have worked with a patient who hasn’t experienced guilt following loss. The what-ifs or ‘Did I cause this’, etc. or the ‘I’m neglecting my other child’ and ‘My children are not getting a good version of me anymore’, or ‘My partner was so excited, I’ve let them down’ – the list goes on.
“Whilst, unfortunately, this seems a completely normal female response to loss, it seems so unfair that on top of all their pain and suffering, they have to be tortured by guilt on top of everything else.
“It’s important that they are able to vocalise these feelings in a safe way, either in a therapy environment or with a trusted family member or friend, to enable them to process their feelings and ease the burden of guilt.”
Ms Ward said understanding in the workplace was equally important.
“Show as much empathy and compassion as you can,” she urged employers. “If they need extra weeks off, it’s because they need extra weeks off. They’re trying to heal.
“If we don’t take care of the women at the time, it can have more lasting damage and effect in the long term.”
And when asked what advice she might have for other bereaved parents, Lauren said: “Don’t feel like you have to do it by yourself. There’s a whole community – whether it’s counselling, which I would highly recommend, or groups of mums who’ve gone through the same thing. Philip’s Footprints holds different sessions and all sorts of things.
“You’re not alone.”
Baby Loss Awareness Week
- Philip’s Footprints is holding events from 9 to 15 October to honour the memory of babies who have died and to raise awareness about the impact of loss on families.
- Fort Regent and Elizabeth Castle will be illuminated pink and blue as a show of solidarity with bereaved parents.
- A 10-kilometre remembrance walk will take place on Saturday between 5 and 7 pm from the Waterfront to St Aubin and back.
- To close the week, Islanders are invited to join the Global Wave of Light on Wednesday, lighting a candle at 7 pm and leaving it burning for one hour in memory of babies who have died – part of a worldwide chain of light that moves through each time zone.
- The charity is also hosting the UK stillbirth organisation SANDS this month for two days of bereavement-care training for more than 40 health professionals.
Support
- Philip’s Footprints: Support, signposting and resources at philipsfootprints.org. Call 07797 844336.
- SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society): Helpline 0808 164 3332.
- Jersey Hospice Care: Community Bereavement Service offering one-to-one and group support. Email bereavement@jerseyhospicecare.com or call (01534) 285144.
