A VISITING speaker who warns about the dangers of coercive control has described how his own father went from a controlling man to killing his wife and child.
UK campaigner Luke Hart was in Jersey recently as part of an event organised by FREEDA to mark White Ribbon Day, which aims to help prevent violence against women and girls.
He told the JEP that he hoped to continue a “legacy of love” in memory of his mother and sister.
Mr Hart described his father as a controlling man who seemed “dysfunctional”.
He said: “We thought many of our problems were caused by issues like not having enough money.”
However, in 2016, after Mr Hart and his brother Luke were able to save enough money to move out and rent a home for their mother, Claire, and sister, Charlotte, their father found out where they were living and shot them, before turning the gun on himself.
Mr Hart said this was followed by news reports and “people in the community” who defended their father, describing him as “caring”.
He said: “We realised that this wasn’t a lone wolf thing. There’s a general spirit here that’s justifying this kind of behaviour.
“We were like: ‘This is clearly not right, what’s going on?’”
He described how together with his brother, he started speaking to organisations and professionals to “help them see into our dayto-day life”.
This has evolved, over the past ten years, into a busy operation – they have spoken to the European Commission, the OECD, and the British Armed Forces.
Mr Hart said he did not realise until after their deaths that his father had been abusive.
“We just saw him as dysfunctional,” he said.
“We’re always looking for a kind of ladder of violence – we’re looking for him to push us more, maybe to hit us, maybe use weapons, and eventually we would see murder coming a long way off. But actually, our father was very careful to restrain his violence. He didn’t hit us precisely so he could maintain the control to kill us, because if he hit us, the game would have been up.”
He added that many families he has spoken to recognise the patterns he describes – but that they do not understand how dangerous coercive control is.
Anyone can make mistakes or be controlling in a relationship, he explained – but an abuser will not apologise or try not to do it again.
He explained: “The problem with coercive control is that the actions of an abuser might not be a crime by themselves, but they add up to taking away someone’s freedom and their autonomy and their agency.
“So in many ways, we all probably control each other in ways we don’t mean to, or maybe we do know, but we don’t know it’s a big deal.”
He described how red flags often only became obvious in the aftermath of abuse.
Mr Hart’s father “always had to be right” and would shout down opposing opinions, and he and his brother became “very obedient, very well-behaved” children.
Other victims might lash out, or be excessively self-disciplined or self-critical, he said.
His father was “willing to go to his grave with that behaviour”, Mr Hart added.
“We all make mistakes. We can’t, as soon as someone makes a mistake, persecute them and call them an abuser. None of us would meet that standard, we’re all going to make mistakes.
“The real threshold is when you’re pointing it out and the person doesn’t care, or the person is doubling down.
“And then when someone’s behaving like that, you can realise that they’re not interested in having a healthy relationship. They actually are trying to have an unhealthy relationship.”
