EVERYONE knows Jersey has the best beaches in the British Isles.
From the golden sand of St Brelade’s Bay, the untouched beauty of Beauport and the wild expanse of St Ouen’s Bay to the pebbled coves of the east, we have it all.
And although Jersey’s bays score highly in the hundreds of reviews left by visitors to our shores on Tripadvisor, the ratings show that you can’t please all of the beachgoers all of the time.
Here is a look at some of the not-so-favourable reviews left by the ever-so-picky Craig Revel Horwoods of the holiday review site.
ST OUEN’S BAY – “A post-apocalyptic wasteland”
With its panoramic views, pounding surf and dune-land backdrop, there’s very little not to like about the jewel of the west – the magnificent St Ouen’s Bay. And it seems as though many of our visitors agree, with the beach scoring an average of 4.5 stars out of five from more than 300 reviews.
But not everyone was impressed. Holidaymaker Ann C, who found herself on our shores in 2014, is either the world’s fussiest beachgoer or has an overly optimistic vision of the end of the world, as she described the bay as “a post-apocalyptic wasteland”. In a short two-star review in which she took aim at the weather, the proximity of the Airport, the Germans’ penchant for building anti-tank walls, and the Watersplash (which was apparently so forgettable she got its name wrong), she wrote: “Admittedly, there IS a long stretch of sand/sea and we chose a grey, breezy day to visit…but, honestly; there is nothing attractive in sight.”
And in a parting shot which indicated she was so enraged by the bay’s awfulness that she couldn’t see the miles of sand-covered hills for the red mist, she added: “We got off the bus in the middle of the windswept bay/nowhere – near Splashdown – which is predictably formulaic/depressing and bound by yet another concrete seawall.
“Having been told there were wildlife/bird-filled dunes and marshland nearby, we were sadly disappointed. There aren’t, though it IS directly under the flight path to the Airport so plane-spotters might enjoy it.”
In another two-star review simply entitled “I hated it”, holidaymaker Roses447 lamented the “lack of sun loungers” and abundance of insects which apparently took such a liking to her that they followed her back to the hotel.
“The whole place was swarming with tiny flies, which landed and crawled on me continually. Swatting them was useless, they just came back instantly. They were on my clothes, in my nose, ears, mouth, also in my bag and my pockets. I was going to buy a drink and something to eat at the café, but the flies put me off completely.”
She was eventually hounded out of the bay by the winged locals, and she vowed that she “would never go there again”.
ST BRELADE’S BAY – “It had a funny smell”
Golden sand, beach-front bars and restaurants, watersports and even a pretty little church tucked away in the corner. It’s all very pleasant, unless a fellow beachgoer decides to relieve themselves on the sand in front of your very eyes. The magnificent St Brelade’s Bay has scored an average five-star rating from more than 2,000 reviews on Tripadvisor. But while its natural beauty has rightly resulted in top-notch reviews, it can’t do much about its clientèle.
Leaving a two-star review following her visit in August 2019, Teresa W wrote: “St Brelade’s Bay is indeed a beautiful beach however, while attending a friend’s BBQ on Sunday 11 August we were afforded a view of a middle-aged lady urinating on the beach. Had she walked for a mere two minutes, she would have been able to use the public toilet.
“Whilst getting dressed, the lady (who was attending a gathering arranged by of one of the beach concessions) also managed to expose herself to anyone who was looking. There were still young children on the beach. What a shame people cannot respect this gorgeous bay.”
Two years later, Paula A took to Tripadvisor to leave a one-line, one-star, no-nonsense review after being plagued by “lots of drunk kids”. She also noted that the bay “had a funny smell” which may have been caused by seaweed, or potentially yet another holidaymaker being caught short.
ANNE PORT – “It’s just a beach”
For many people, a beach is not a beach unless it has deck-chair stalls, food vans, watersports, donkey rides and a pier or two with funfair rides and night-time shows by comedians who used to be on the telly in the 1970s.
And perhaps that’s what Calabash J had in mind when he/she headed out east to Anne Port in 2017. In a three-star review entitled “It is a beach – that’s it!”, they noted the lack of “restaurants and shops” and its many, many pebbles, and added: “All the beaches in Jersey are lovely but most have something quite unique about them. This one is just a beach.”
PLEMONT – “The most boring place on the planet”
A boring beach with a pitiful waterfall and a pesky tide that not only goes out but comes back in again. Not our words, but the words of a small number of tourists who found that their trip to the otherwise idyllic bay of Plémont was a big waste of time. This gem of the north coast has received more than 300 reviews, scoring a very impressive average rating of 4.5 stars. But not everyone is so keen, and few are more damning than Paul W who, in a one-star review after his visit in 2017, wrote: “I used to have the impression that Ayers Rock was the most boring place on the planet to be in, but Plémont can now have that title (in my opinion).”
After lamenting a mind-bogglingly long hour-and-a-half journey to get there, which raises questions of whether he went via Guernsey, he criticised the general lack of water in the waterfall. And then took aim at the sea, for coming in and covering up the nice sand.
“As for the ‘spectacular’ waterfall (Jersey tourist pamphlet) I have seen shower heads leaking faster. Not to be totally negative, yes the sand is a nice sandy colour, it is soft, then the tide comes in and you can’t see it because it is covered in water, then the water goes out on the tide and then you see the sand. It is called a beach for a reason,” he wrote.
Meanwhile, another reviewer going by the name ILoveEurope seemingly learnt the value of checking the tide times before heading down the steep hill, when they wrote in a review entitled “Not much to see”: “Was looking forward to visiting Plémont Bay especially as it was a nice sunny afternoon. The bay was beautiful with nice clear water, however the tide was in and there wasn’t much to see or do apart from walk down the steps to the bay and back again and there wasn’t much else to see or do.”
BOULEY BAY – “the semi-derelict hotel is an eyesore”
A haven for swimmers, divers and fishermen, the secluded Bouley Bay is a treasure. But it only scored an average rating of 3.5 stars, mainly because of one big blot on the otherwise perfect landscape.
Several reviewers noted that the state of the former Water’s Edge Hotel wasn’t doing much for the bay’s overall appearance. Leaving a two-star review in 2018, visitor Jacqueline P wrote: “The tired semi-derelict hotel occupying the beachside really is an eyesore. Come on Jersey Tourism this building let’s you down.”
She has a very good point, although the review seems somewhat dated, as the hotel is now very much “fully derelict”.
HAVRE DES PAS BATHING POOL – “A boy pushed me in”
The perfect place for a swim all-year-round, the bathing pool seemingly has it all: safe water, nearby cafés and restaurants and nice views. But it’s not so pleasant if you don’t see eye-to-eye with the locals. Not mincing his words in very short one-star review simply entitled “Horrid” left after an ill-fated visit to the bathing pool in 2022, Nigel John wrote: “A boy pushed me from the island. Too many chavs and roadmen with very little clothing. Not my type. Awful…”
