We’ve been followin’ the various debates on the TV screen dahn the pub (meks a change from the football), and the general consensus is thet none of us hev got a ruddy clue who’s going to win.
Of course Mick with the yacht’s been beharnd Mrs May from the start, yellin’ ‘commie!’ at the screen every tarm Corbyn appears.
Fer a wharl – and what with ‘is speech impediment – we thought he was orderin’ us to change the chennel to Coronation Street, but pretty soon it became clear thet ‘is protests were dahn to a general hatred of the bearded one, in particular ‘is stance on nuclear weapons.
‘He’ll get uth all bwown up!’ he started yellin’ the other nart. ‘Ah read in the Mail thet he’s rethusin’ to commit to armeggedin, which means our enemieth will be armeggedin’ us first! We’ll be doomed!’
Well ah hed to stand up and explain mah views on the subject, namely thet if he didn’t sit dahn and shut up ah’d drahve rahnd ‘is gaff in mah trector and tip a Massive Amount of Dung through the windows of ‘is lounge.
‘Not if ah don’t drop a Mathive Amount of Dung on your gath firthst, Hedley,’ he yelled. ‘Ah got a month’s worth of horse crep locked and loaded in mah lorry, sheg, and ah ain’t afraid to use it!’
Well things escalated quickly after thet, and within hours we’d becked our respective vehicles up each others’ drahves.
Ah med sure to Skarp ‘im a vid-jo of mah trailer (with its six-foot parl of cow crep) parked ahtsard ‘is window and ready to tip. He responded bah Facebook-larvin’ me an image of ‘imself reversin’ up to mah front door with a lorry-load of steamin’ hoss-muck.
There we set, hands quiverin’ on our respective levers, screamin’ threats into our screens abaht how serious we was abaht deterrin’ each other and hah far the other was prepared to go if necessary (Mick even suggestin’ thet he’d top off mah hallway’s destruction with a brown cherry of ‘is own, dirty sod).
It were only when the Constable appeared at both scenes and ordered us to peck it in thet we reluctantly withdrew. But lark ah told Mick, the threat still stands. He’d better ruddy watch ‘imself, ‘cos ah ain’t no Corbyn. Ah just hope the warf’s ready with ‘er broom.
