This minister has been digging himself a cavern

Ideas that seemed perfectly normal when formulated in the brain somehow manage to be transformed into objects of derision by the time they emerge into the world. Then, no matter how hard you try to redeem the situation, the hole dug in the process just gets deeper and deeper, wider and wider, until you wish it would swallow you up.

The current holder of the poison chalice that is Planning and Environment, Deputy Rob Duhamel, has been on such a roll of late when it comes to ‘off the wall’ proposals that the ever growing hole caused by one eccentric suggestion after another, is so cavernous it could be used to store the Island’s stocks of hazardous waste.

Not that the crater is entirely of his own making. As political factotum of the department everyone loves to hate, he has to take the flak for the curious actions, edicts and decisions of a host of public sector minions.

Add to that mercurial mix the members of the Planning applications panel. The panel comprises politicians who think they are better informed than the handsomely paid and suitably qualified ‘experts’, by exhibiting the annoying tendency to go against the very officer advice, Planning Law and Island Plan which applicants are told to follow to the ‘T’.

Take the proposal to convert Sion Methodist Church into residential use. Not an unusual suggestions in the least and common practice throughout the UK and, moreover, there are a number of church conversions existing in Jersey.

Having seen a successful church conversion of the exact design and proportions in Cornwall, with the façade repainted pale blue with white features, I looked forward to a refreshing makeover at Sion.

Sadly, it was not be as the Historic Buildings department wanted to retain the rostrum and pulpit. A rather extreme decision considering that English Heritage often allows development of listed buildings as long as historic features are recorded if not preserved.

As the church steward, Richard Dupré, said it was ‘preserving things for the sake of preserving things.’ Curiously by the very same department that has refused to widen access to churches for wheel chairs yet demands that farm shops can’t be built without a disabled toilet attached. Work those out!

In comes Deputy Duhamel with a barmpot suggestion to turn the church into a theme pub, which the residents of this relatively isolated and quiet settlement – albeit with a busy road coursing through its heart – would welcome as much as a sea lettuce processing plant or a hole to take the aforementioned hazardous waste.

Justifying his idea the Deputy said, it was common practice in the UK and cited a recent example in Bodmin. Just as it is far more common in Cornwall to convert disused churches and chapels – even medieval ones which boast far more priceless historic features than those inside Sion – into residential accommodation.

As the hole grew ever deeper, the Minister turned his attention to the perennial problem of the greenest, slimiest, smelliest and most unpleasant of summer visitors, sea lettuce. Now, because of some bizarre and unexplained States regulation, sea lettuce is not permitted to be removed entirely from a beach – as opposed to the brown variety that has for centuries been gathered to fertilise early potato land.

Apparently last year Transport and Technical Services spent £30,000 (I wonder how many car parking spaces that equates to) moving it down to the tide line to be taken away by the sea – or not. Yet another example of the ‘rearranging the deckchair on the Titanic’ scenario of which States departments are so adept.

As TTS and Environment have at last conceded game, set and match to the green slime it has been suggested we purchase a barge to dump it out at sea. A vessel, which could be used to export the asbestos per chance? Or is that too much joined-up thinking with so much going on at the moment that the respective ministers’ and their chief officers’ heads must be really hurting.

Now here’s where I could be persuaded to give the hapless Deputy Duhamel a break. If we can’t dump the stuff or spread it on the fields then what can we do with it?

His suggestions to look at ways to turn a negative into a positive may not be as barmy as first thought. If oyster farmers can turn it into tasty treats for the highly lucrative bivalve mollusks industry then let’s give it a go. Though I’d personally draw a line at sprinkling dried sea lettuce on a salad or a bowl of soup, let alone washing my teeth with it.

Where I am behind the Deputy 99.9% is when it comes to dealing with ragwort – a plant after my heart and those of 150 species. Which is why I say ‘shame on you’ to the Members who laughed Deputy Duhamel out of the Turkey Farm when they resumed their perches after the summer break.

The general rule of thumb when dealing with this plant is to let it be so it can sustain those species that thrive on it while protecting the ones who don’t. It isn’t ragwort in itself that causes the problem, but how it is managed.

It may behove Deputy Duhamel to keep schtum for a few weeks to deal with the matters in hand before making any further suggestions – unless he actually wants that cavern swallow him up completely.

I’d concentrate on the ragwort for now.