‘An anarchic Pam Ayres’ – such is how poet Nick Poingdestre describes himself and his poems, which have now been collated into a hardbook book, titled Too Many Chairs. He spoke to TOM OGG about the origins of his book’s memorable title, receiving a ‘thank you’ card from Buckingham Palace and why American pop-rock songwriter Ron Mael is his literary hero
HAVE you ever heard the one about the Naked Green Warriors? Or the Wee Poem About Scotland? Or how about the one titled Goodbye You Merchant Banker?
If not, then clearly you have yet to be introduced to the poetry of Nick Poingdestre.
An accounts assistant at Jersey Arts Centre, Jersey-born Nick has long held a passion for prose, often written with tongue planted firmly in cheek (“Pretentious poetry alienates people from the art form”), and he has now collected a selection of his work into a single volume.
Titled Too Many Chairs, the 100-page hardback book – which is currently available from the Harbour Gallery – features over 60 poems, some long, some short, some somewhere inbetween, and all written in Nick’s idiosyncratic style, with entertaining footnotes detailing the background and themes of each piece.
“Too Many Chairs is an eclectic collection, mostly poking fun at friends, but also inspired by real-life events,” says Nick, chatting shortly before boarding a plane to the UK.
“I am very much in favour of poems that rhyme, which I see as part of the challenge of writing. My style might best be described as an anarchic Pam Ayres. The majority of my poems are humorous, although I have included a tiny number of serious ones, just to give the book more than one dimension.”
In addition, Too Many Chairs boasts a chapter entitled New Words for Old Songs, in which Nick rewrites familiar songs, hymns and poems in comedic style.
“I first started composing poems in order to poke fun at my muse, Martyn,” says Nick. “We would exchange our barbed poetry using the office fax machines, standing over them to make sure they weren’t intercepted by people who have had a sense of humour lobotomy.”
Nick is tightlipped as to the identity of the Martyn in question, describing him only as “Jersey’s answer to Greta Garbo”.
“I think the less known about him, the more enigmatic he becomes, which would certainly suit him,” he says.
Among the most memorable poems in Too Many Chairs is Our Reigning Monarch, which Nick cites as a personal favourite, and which was written as a tribute of sorts to Queen Elizabeth II.
“The challenge here was to submit a poem for our late Majesty’s 60th Jubilee, with the winning poem then being performed in front of an invited audience of dignitaries celebrating this august occasion,” recalls Nick. “Let’s just say that my submission wouldn’t have chimed with the reverence required of that occasion.
“The surprise, however, was a commendation from one of the judging panel members so someone, somewhere had a private chuckle.”
There is, adds Nick, a “poignant after-note” to the above story: “I sent the poem to Buck House just a few weeks before Her Majesty passed away and a card from the Palace arrived acknowledging they had received it. It was waiting for me on my return from holiday on the very day she passed away.
“The card was lovely, with a photo of the Queen and a ‘thank you’ note inside. They must have liked it as I wasn’t dragged off to the Tower for questioning. I’m sure they still do that, as Andrew no doubt will soon find out.”
Asked which writers or poets have proven an inspiration for his work, Nick cites John Betjeman, saying: “Betjeman has a keen sense of humour and a fantastic turn of phrase. One of my poems, Pixie, has the flavour of Betjeman. In fact, I recently stayed in his flat in Smithfield and was inspired to write a rather prosaic poem about the flat, which subsequent visitors could read – and possibly grimace at – in the visitor’s book.
“It was composed after my book was published, so I didn’t include it, but you’re really not missing anything there.
“I ought to mention that I get my poetry fix from La Poet’tie which is a cosy group of local poets and fans of poetry. We meet once a month. They generally like some of the more serious stuff, but I always manage to temporarily take them off to Planet Mad.”
On that note, it is worth mentioning the artist to whom Nick is most in thrall: Mr Ron Mael.
For the uninitiated, Mael is one half of the American pop-rock outfit Sparks and is the chief songwriter, arranger and keyboardist for the group (Ron’s brother, Russell, is lead singer). Since their debut album in 1971, Sparks have unleashed 26 studio albums upon the world, with their latest – MAD! – released to widespread acclaim earlier this year.
“Oh, Sparks are my religion,” says Nick, who sports a Sparks T-shirt and Sparks beret on the Too Many Chairs cover photo (reproduced above), and who has added a dedication in the book to “Ron and Russell Mael”.
“The lyrical observations of Ron – who is a genius – and how he creates a narrative around somewhat obscure subjects, it all chimes with my own sensibilities.
“In fact because Ron gets away with it, I feel I can somehow get away with a little bit more as a result, especially as I don’t typically have to submit to any public scrutiny. Wry humour can sometimes be taken out of context, particularly in today’s hypersensitive world. My hide is too thick to be pierced by woke warriors who’ve had a sense of humour lobotomy.”
When it comes to his own writing, Nick says that he definitely needs “a spark of an idea – pun intended”, adding that he usually writes 80% of a poem within an hour of having thought of a theme or subject.
“If the remainder isn’t down within 24 to 48 hours, the poem is abandoned. Thankfully, not many end this way. Only once – for a poem titled Cable Ties – did I revise the punchline some days later. The final line of that poem completely raised it up out of the gutter.”
Born and raised in St Helier, Nick is today in his late 50s (“Which, FYI, is late 40s in old money”) but has had an interest in writing and performance from the time his age was but a single digit.
“I went to the now-defunct Moorestown School and, at the tender age of three, I played Joseph in the school nativity, only to then be demoted, at four, to playing a lowly shepherd, although I like to think this was just a minor setback to my acting career.”
Nick later attended De La Salle College, before leaving for “Oxford Poly” aged 17, where for many months he regularly broke the licensing laws.
“I studied accountancy, subsequently qualifying in 1988 – just at the moment computers were entering the workplace, sadly.”
Moving back to Jersey, Nick resumed his lifelong love of sea swimming: “The best things about Jersey are the beaches and swimming in the sea – not always with a costume on but always Factor 50. Safety first, morals last.”
It was 2018 when Nick joined the Jersey Arts Centre team, and he has remained there ever since. The title of his book – Too Many Chairs – stems from a poorly attended performance at the venue to which he once bore witness.
“It wasn’t anything that I was taking part in, thankfully,” he says with a laugh.
“It was an event which was never going to draw a big crowd but even I was surprised at how few people turned up. It’s not a good look when you can ask the attendees their first name and you still remember them all the next day.
“I calculated that the box office wasn’t going to cover the cost of the lighting. I then imagined the organisers bemoaning the sea of empty chairs as showing how few people had actually shown up. Hence Too Many Chairs.”
Ever self-deprecating, Nick can’t help but add: “Of course, if I was ever to recite my poems, it would have to be in a phone box.”
*Too Many Chairs by Nick Poingdestre is available now from the Harbour Gallery Jersey
‘My hide is too thick to be pierced by woke warriors who’ve had a sense of humour lobotomy’
