“Go on a school trip they said. Volunteer they said. IT’LL BE FUN THEY SAID…”
And so began one father’s descent into the dark and often smelly world of a group outing to the Science Museum for a class of 10-year-olds.
8:40am. I’ve signed a risk assessment and promised not to take any photos. WE’RE GOING TO THE SCIENCE MUSEUM
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
The dad, whose own daughter was also on the trip, had naively thought he would be reading in peace on the journey to the Kensington museum from Harlow.
I actually brought my book for this journey
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
But that was never going to happen.
Instead, Simon Smith was in prime position to live tweet his whole sorry day in charge of a small group of Year 5 boys, including one who took to calling him ‘Bruv’.
I have six children in my group. One of the boys has just called me ‘Bruv’ pic.twitter.com/1IiXGirIuU
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
On the journey he was ridiculed for his football team choice, engulfed in farts and had to dish out sick bags. Lots of sick bags.
Farts. Farts are occurring.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
We’re not even a third of the way into this journey and I’m ready to kick out a window and hurl myself onto the M25
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
Who had 10:14am in our ‘Blowing Chunks’ sweepstake?
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
Simon took people along for one hell of a ride as he described the goings on in the bus, at the museum and back on the bus.
The sound of 57 lunchboxes opening simultaneously is quite something
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
My own daughter just made eye contact. It was sinister. Almost sure she just mouthed “You absolute mug” at me
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
Some two hours after setting off, they made it to the museum for the main attraction.
We have managed to get all the kids to Wonderlab without any dying on the stairs
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
Simon’s commentary included the escapade of eating lunch, taking his charges into the gift shop, a run through of snippets of overheard conversation and very little science.
By 1pm, Simon was done in declaring: “I’m not going to lie Twitter. I’m at my breaking threshold.”
Heading back to the bus, he tried, unsuccessfully, to explain away the smell of marijuana drifting past the group by blaming it on “the butterfly exhibition at the Natural History Museum”.
“DO BUTTERFLIES SMOKE GANJA THEN SIR?”
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
As the farty, smelly, sicky coach departed Simon had an outpouring of appreciation for the teaching profession and a realisation about his own job.
“Teachers and Teaching assistants. You have my utmost respect,” he declared.
As for if he’s about to volunteer again. It looks like a no.
Never again. Never, ever again.
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
And his own child might need new parenting options.
I’m never doing this again. I’m shoving my own kid on eBay as soon as we get home
— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
To read the whole story of Simon’s day on Twitter, start here.
