THE worst bit about having a colonoscopy isn’t the investigation itself, or the three-day low-fibre diet beforehand – it’s having to drink two litres of something called Moviprep.
Moviprep is a medical-grade laxative that is issued to patients to, as far as I can tell, turn them inside out, leaving a squeaky-clean bowel that’s ready for its close-up (Mr DeMille).
Wine connoisseurs Oz Clarke and Jilly Goolden (remember them from Food and Drink on BBC2?) might say it has the ferric tang of blood, the bitter background notes of dispersible aspirin and an aspartame-sweet lemon-lime finish. Nobody knows what food it would pair well with because if you’re on Moviprep, you’re not eating.
A small glass would be manageable, but you have to drink one litre of the stuff, and then, two hours later, another.
It does the trick, mind you, and, as one reviewer put it, the second serving sends your bowels ‘into the future to start eliminating food you have not even eaten yet’.
The next morning at the Hospital I was one of three people on the roster. So it was just a quick in and out, so
to speak.
After a rundown of the procedure from a nurse I had about an hour’s wait, during which time a woman popped her head round the door to ask if I wanted a paper. I requested The Times and when she returned she wanted £1.60.
‘Oh sorry, I haven’t got any cash,’ I said. ‘I thought it was a hotel-type service…’
‘No dear. We raise money for the Hospital,’ she replied.
In the theatre I had the choice of sedative drugs, relaxing gas and air, or nothing at all. I chose sedation.
From here things get a little bit fuzzy – it’s a bit like trying to remember a dream. I remember being conscious for the whole painless process, but what was a 20- to 30-minute procedure seemed to be over in less than five.
I watched the monitors. I remember asking a question – ‘how big is the bit we’re looking at?’ – I remember an odd sensation of pressure as the camera negotiated a chicane section of my bowel. I also remember trying to sit up to thank the team as I was wheeled out of the operating room.
Sedated or not, it’s still nice to be polite – especially when saying goodbye to people who’ve spent some of their day inspecting your colon.
